Fuck you, people: bee robots

Maybe you all remember F.U. Penguin. That’s the site where some clever person decided to type up insults targeting everyday, regular animals. These were animals just going about their daily lives, and some bully decided to exploit their cuteness and turn such pithy advances into an internet meme. Haha, very funny, but the joke (and the website) apparently got old.

We, the species, took your punches. We pretended to laugh at your funny wisecracks. But then, we got fed up. Now, we’re ready to bounce back. It’s not about the way you humans look, dress, or act in nature. Mind you, these things are ridiculous, too. It’s more about your stupid ideas. REALLY stupid ideas. So stupid, you forgot to think about how us plants and animals would react, didn’t you?

We won’t forget and we will react. Fuck you, people.

Edition #1: Bee Robots

Hi, I’m a bee and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Photo credit: Riccardo Cuppini, copyright 2013, “Pleasure”

So you have a “brand new invention” that will “change everything” and on top of that it comes from some high-tech institute working at Harvard University: Robobees. These are little penny-sized pollinators that are apparently modeled after us bees. I beg to differ. They look like flying paperclips.

I’m sure its the smartest thing EVER! You say they’ll be helpful for agriculture or disaster relief. That’s what you said about drones, too (and you use those to kill people without any fingerprints at the crime scene). Yeah, well these are just micro drones.

Let’s be clear. These are not cute, innocent toys for children designed to look like us.

For us, it will change just one thing: we’ll lose our jobs. Have you ever considered how it would feel to lose your job to a micro drone?

We know how the story goes. First, some man wearing an expensive suit comes to survey the office. In this case, it’s a farm. Then, he snaps some photos, examines some of our best workers, and finally comes back in a year with a funny looking prototype that we’re supposed to get along with. Well, remember how hawks reacted to drones?

Let’s think about this for a minute. Is it wise? No. Is it cheap? No. Is it fair to us? No.

We used to pollinate your fields just fine until you started using these sick, death inducing chemicals in the form of bee killing pesticides that made us obsolete. That’s right. You fumigated us with neonicotinoids. What’s worse is this “world’s most popular pesticide” has turned into a food production nightmare–finally triggering a weak spot for humans–the stomach. We all know you love to eat like there’s no tomorrow.

So, will you ban the noid and bring back bees? All you have to do is follow Maryland’s example to “avoid the noid” (slogan credit: Domino’s pizza). But, most of you can’t seem to get it straight. Maybe if you knew that it seriously harms bees’ sex lives and reproductivity–another weak spot for humans–you’d understand.

You really are an odd species.

We did the work for free. We worked well with the other plants and animals. We’re part of the biological web that enables survival from the top of the food chain all of the way down to the bottom. How do you show your gratitude for all of our hard work and labor?

By replacing us with bee robots.

These robots don’t even look like us. They look more like mosquitos made of sewing needles and wire thread. As far as we’re concerned, they’re worse than mosquitos. At least mosquitos have a biological function that other species can appreciate: they suck the blood of humans. And, whereas mosquitos are manufactured in swamps, these nano-bees come from minerals extracted from mines on lands that could be used for farms. We get it. You don’t just want to fuck up our place in society. You want to fuck up anything and everything related to farms.

You are so opposed to cheap, wholesome, problem-free traditional farming (by “you”, we especially mean Monsanto) that you feel you must create new problems for farmers to solve. You clearly have no respect for the natural ways that food is produced.   

We get it. You want to sell these things in a so-called “crisis.” The problem with this logic is that your stupid “crisis” of honey bee colony collapse disorder was manmade!

We tooootally get it. First kill us off, then make a fortune with a patented solution. Very clever. What’ll it be next? Water? Air? Time?

Fuck you, humans. We, the bees, hope your jobs are coming next. We hope to see you all get replaced by robots. Then, we hope to live to see the robot colony collapse. 

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